Help, I’m much too young to be having ED (Erectile Dysfunction)!

Contrary to popular thought, men are not machines.  Most men do not get erections at the slightest breeze.  If a man has had a few bad experiences in which he has lost his erection during intercourse, that will usually create a lot of anxiety at the next sexual encounter.  That anxiety will often have a corresponding negative effect upon the next time he goes “to test himself,” essentially compounding the problem.  Such men – even those in their twenties – will then often turn to using popular medications – those little blue and yellow pills – to combat their erectile problem.  If their anxiety is great enough, it will override the medication and not allow the production of regular erections.  In short, anxiety is a killer in the bedroom.  For anyone.  First things first, is there much pornography use?  Whenever there is a problem in the bedroom, one of the first recommendations we make is to stop using porn during masterbation.  The regular use of porn trains the brain to need increasing amounts of stimuli to get the same effect.  And, let’s face it, there’s no shortage of novel intense stimulation online.  No real woman, no matter how outrageously gorgeous or perfect for you she is, could ever visually compete with the endless array of potential sexual stimulation from online porn.  In short, ED has multiple origins and multiple fixes.  Your therapist will start with a detailed sexual history, help you understand your erotic template as well as provide guidance regarding how to move towards a healthier sexuality and ultimately, regular, satisfying, in-person intercourse.
  • Dr. Suzanne Pelka

I’m that 40-year old virgin. How can I ever change this?

Not everyone magically loses their virginity in their teenage years or college.  I have had many clients that, for various different reasons, have just not had regular or even any intercourse.  They often feel humiliated about this fact and so painfully alone in their experience.  This is a great reason to seek out psychotherapy.  We have helped many people in exactly this situation – male and female.  Often there is a lack of self-esteem, a sense of not being entitled to a sex life.  Sometimes there was a dominating parent in the picture.  For others, they never wanted to be “that guy” that seemed to only want sex from women.  They tried to be respectful and they were, but now to a fault of not being able to get from life what they want.  Sometimes women experience painful penetration (vulvodynia) or, even more upsetting, vaginismus – in which the vaginal muscles tense up so much out of conscious or subconscious fear and anxiety that penetration of any kind is not possible.  This makes her feel like an outsider – so painfully different than her girlfriends.  This can be a very lonely experience.  Women with vaginismus are often unable to have a gynocological exam.  Her vagina will not allow it.  There is real hope for all people who find themselves in these situations.  A trauma inventory, careful trauma-releasing work with a modality like EMDR (eye-movement desensitization and reprocessing), psycho-education and loving, compassionate encouragement will go a long way toward helping such clients.  Many negative cognitions block our clients from living the lives they want including having the sexual experiences they want.  Change is truly possible with commitment and a wrap-around therapeutic approach.  We are expert at helping even the toughest cases of ED, premature ejaculation, vulvodynia and vaginismus.
  • Dr. Suzanne Pelka